God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
