I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Randomize
