Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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