if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
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He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
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Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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