If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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