last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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