A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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