Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
