Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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