This show inspires me to have sex in space
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
