Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
