I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
