mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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