my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
