I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
