I need to stop coming to work sober
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
