Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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