i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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