There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
