Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I am mentally ready for anal.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
