duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
