smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
