I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just high enough for therapy.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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