On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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