I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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