is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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