Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
