If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
