hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
