I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
