after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
