Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
