chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
