You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
