So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
as a side note pls kill me
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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