I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
