I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
