Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
