Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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