my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
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In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
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I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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