This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I don't deserve a penis
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
In other news, I just burned my penis
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize
