i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
