I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
