I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
