There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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