What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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