I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
