a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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