who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
