I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
