I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
