You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
