dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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