Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
