I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
