Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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