My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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