I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
