Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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