More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
