can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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