My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
