Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
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Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
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Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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