I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
