Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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