Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
