my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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