At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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