So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
